Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard