if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
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HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
i meant to share this earlier
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.