You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
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If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people