I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
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I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity