Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
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My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Just parrot things
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.