“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do