On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
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My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners