Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
You Might Also Like
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.