Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
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I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
car not found
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.