*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
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Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭