girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
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My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”