There is so much going on in this video โฆ I donโt know who to focus on ๐๐๐ hilarious
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Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because โwe just watched this game on TV last week.โ
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
A woman drives into a bar.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we canโt curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
I feel like every girl needs a โfella drawerโ if you plan on having frequent guests.
I donโt trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
CRYING
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
I just broke two of my dadโs old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You havenโt changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasnโt a compliment, Diane
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?