you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
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I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
choose your gary
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.