discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
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I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
this chia pet tastes awful
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for