I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
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I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*orders delivery*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Still my favorite headline of all time:
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Friday
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school