This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest