I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
March 16
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?