Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
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Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
People buying plungers never look happy.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.