not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I unironically love this joke.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way