Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Beware…..
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.