If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
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[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
that de-escalated quickly
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.