Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Every time my phone rings
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this