Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
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therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Holy moly
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Going into Monday like
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.