My favorite type of men is ramen.
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*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
😅🤣😂
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.