ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Someone just threatened to call me later
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.