My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
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Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol