I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
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The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.