Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Sheep
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight