[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
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There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.