ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
You Might Also Like
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
LMAO
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Lmaoo 😂
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.