Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.