Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
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Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?