I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
get you a girl who
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now