FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself