911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.