My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
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I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I have a black belt in leather
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!