[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free