ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Wasps: bees, but not helping
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.