If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
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What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in