10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.