Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
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My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
me 2 months after i graduated
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.