Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
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You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.