not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
My circle of trust is a meatball
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work