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I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself