The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
You Might Also Like
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
Bros before Ohioes
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender