Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?