[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Not today. 😅
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.