Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
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Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
what’s really going on
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?