Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
You Might Also Like
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs