The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
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why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Welcome to the stomach
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”